ICEFLOE’S BEAR BURGERS RECIPE

Ingredients:

 

• 2 tablespoons olive oil

• One large potato

• 1 tablespoon Kosher salt

• Bread of your choice

• Condiments of your choice

• 1 lb of ground bear meat

 

Instructions :

 

Dynamite a bear.  NOTE: It should be obvious, but do NOT  dynamite  a bear at a zoo.  Caged bears don’t taste as good.  Either dynamite a wild bear or go put on a frilly pink dress and sing ON THE GOOD SHIP LOLLIPOP while getting ass cocked by a mule train.

 

Grind the bear into meat.  NOTE: You will be grinding ALL of the bear: Fur, claws, teeth, etc.  We are not Millennials who drink lattes while manscaping our ball hair.  NOTE: It is NEVER acceptable to manscape ball hair.  If you want to cut your ball hair, keep cutting until you take off the frank AND the beans.

 

Dice the potato.  NOTE: If you’re a pussy, you may skin it first.

 

Build a wood fire.  NOTE: Even if you’re a pussy, you MAY NOT use pre-formed Duralogs from Safeway to build the fire.  To make an Icefloe Bear Burger, a tree must die.

 

Cook potatoes in olive oil until golden brown.  I like Villa Cappelli.

 

Mix ground bear meat with the potatoes.

 

Add 1 (one) tablespoon Kosher salt.  You do not need to get it blessed by a rabbi, but it tastes better if you do.  I like my salt like I like my bitches, religious and shameful.

 

Pound out four patties.  Cook in skillet until medium rare.

 

Put on grilled bun.

 

FOR PUSSIES ONLY: Add condiments.  There is a reason the root word of condiments is “condom.”  Condoms protect you from cock rot but they also mask the feel of a woman’s meat sock, just like condiments mask the taste of bear burger.  If you don’t want to taste the bear burger, then why the fuck did you bother dynamiting a wild bear to begin with?  You may as well have just blown one up at the zoo.

 

Serve on a paper plate.  NOTE: I like my paper plates like I like my cock: stiff, shiny and with no illustrations.